Feeling Cheesy, Swiss Cheesy

Recently, I found myself feeling tired, rather used up, burned out, and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t get everything done. My husband, bless his soul, said, “You know, no one could do everything that you want to do in a day.” He was right, but how did I get to that place? It took a lot of deep soul searching and a step back from my life to see that in the last few years I had gotten cheesy, Swiss cheesy as a matter of fact, when it came to my boundaries.

The Cost of Overextending Myself

About three years ago, I had the chance to spend a lot of time with my mom who was recovering from an accident and I did so. It was the right thing to do and thank goodness my business can be done remotely by phone or video call, but there was a price to pay. I ended up feeling mighty guilty for all the time away from my family—my kids, my husband, and the dogs. So, when I returned I over-extended myself personally and just let go of my boundaries as I tried to do everything!

I said yes to too much: special meals that the kids had missed, time in the middle of the day to dash out with my hubby, not asking help with the jobs around the house, giving rides here and there at the last minute, to name a few.

In my desire to reconnect and make everyone around me happy, I neglected myself, and my private and professional time and space. Basically, my boundaries were full of holes, like Swiss Cheese.

Understanding the Types of Boundaries

There are six types of boundaries that I believe are necessary for healthy living, and there are healthy and unhealthy ways to create and maintain your boundaries. There isn’t room to talk about them all here, so let’s dive into the two that were giving me the most trouble: Emotional Boundaries and Physical Boundaries.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. For example, no one can make you happy, and you can’t provide happiness for someone else’s life.

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. For example, do you give a handshake or a hug to whom and when?

The Impact of Weak Boundaries

I felt that I had disappointed my family and that I needed to make them feel better, make them happy. This had two negative effects:

1. Neglecting Myself: I didn’t give myself time to heal from the tremendous physical and emotional toll of care-taking. When under emotional stress, you need to take your own emotional well-being seriously and handle yourself with care.
2. Depriving Others: By taking on the feelings of those around me, I deprived my family of stepping up and allowing them to care for me. My kids especially needed time to adjust to my re-entry along with the sadness and, yes, resentment for the time I was away.

Upon my return, I also left my Physical Boundaries open to way too much traffic. My office has lots of windows, and the sad faces pressed against the glass got to me. I was bending over backward to take forgotten items to school, meetings, and music practice. My schedule and peace of mind at work went to “H-E- double hockey sticks,” causing me more feelings of stress and making me a grumpy bear of a business-owning mamma.

Steps I Took to Rebuild My Boundaries

I had to be honest with myself. Spending time with my amazing kids and my handsome husband was fun and felt good, but I really couldn’t create a four-course meal with everyone’s favorite dishes each and every night after supporting my clients, speaking at events, and managing my business. My husband was right.

Here are the first two steps that I took to get my boundaries in order:

1. Define Your Boundaries

First, I had to define what was important to me. A closed office door meant I was working—no faces in the windows or interruptions unless there was an extreme emergency. Instead of multiple interruptions, I would deliver one item per semester to a child as a freebie; other items would be delivered only if convenient and at a cost. I plugged up the holes in my boundaries without building a wall.

2. Express Your Boundaries

I left nothing up to chance and communicated what the expectations were around my need to have my own feelings, thoughts, space, and time. It was important for the family to respect that without “fixing,” “forcing opinions on me,” or “invading my space.” Verbally communicating that I just need to feel the way I feel and do what I do was crucial. This also allowed my family to navigate their own feelings, be responsible for their own boundaries, and happiness.

The Results of Stronger Boundaries

In all, I ended up having better boundaries, being happier, and not feeling exhausted or cornered like a bear when my boundaries were overrun. Through this work, I am learning to be firm, but flexible with myself and others. For example, my husband just distracted me with a note on my office window that says, “I Luv U.” Oh, what the heck, it is Valentine’s Day! I am going to let him slide this time.

Now, there is a lot more to boundaries, especially for people owning their own businesses. Proper boundaries create space for productivity, personal growth, and leadership in both your life and your career.

If you’re struggling to maintain boundaries in your personal or professional life, schedule a complimentary coaching session with me today and learn how to reclaim your time, energy, and peace of mind.